On the application of empathy and compassion
I used to react aggressively during conflicts for so long and have so many expectations from people. Ironically, I would keep these expectations hidden or secret and then become frustrated when these never materialized. I remember the sessions of seething and feeling so void of fulfillment, joy, and feeling loved or valued, “If they cared,” “If they really loved me,” they would know about how I think and these expectations and fulfill them. I believe these immature reactions mainly resulted from my childhood conditioning and upbringing. I saw my parent, a PhD in psychology, ironically, get into these screaming matches to explain aggressively how this or that is what he wanted and needed from us — he’s 80 and, surprisingly, still has the same violent reactions to the extent his body lets him. The frustration and loud noises indicated a conflict. Everything was good if I could bury that frustration and avoid raising my voice. So basically, I navigated conflict in my teens, 20s, and early 30s by aggressively avoiding it and, scared and scarred through a complex and absurdly paradoxical nonconfrontation system that helped nobody and ultimately made me a people-pleaser, which I disliked intensely.
I look back at myself now and can identify that my healing and maturing process started generating the most significant changes in my foundational understanding, behavior, and habits when I learned, understood, and applied the concepts of empathy and compassion.
Learning about compassion helped me understand that I could never fully grasp and apply such concern for others before doing so for myself. I immediately realized, “How can I apply compassion if I don’t use it to dignify myself as a human being?” Do note that I’m using the word dignify from dignity very intentionally.
Compassion led me to learn about self-compassion and practice it daily by asking myself thoughtful questions — the same questions one would ask somebody else — in moments of agony, conflict, or turmoil. How would I treat a friend in this situation? What am I feeling right now, and is it okay to feel this way? Am I being too harsh on myself? What do I need right now? Is it possible that I made a mistake? What can I learn from this experience? What would a compassionate response to myself would look like right now? Inner work for the win!
The practice of compassion and self-compassion helps me understand what I need and want and why I’m frustrated. To this date, there are many things about myself that I don’t understand, and that’s super okay for me because I can keep asking myself — hopefully, I’ll fully figure out myself someday. This same concept or principle of asking thoughtful questions with compassion is the guiding principle I apply to others whenever I land in conflict or do not understand something about our mutual interaction. I can ask myself and the people involved in these situations, sometimes conflict, and clarify and attempt to understand and gain a mutual understanding and hopefully a valuable resolution for both. Sometimes this is not possible, and that’s part of life too, I’ve learned, a topic for another essay.
Compassion helped me stop being so blind to life and taught me about empathy. If I told you I learned about empathy when I was 35, would you believe me? I had no recollection of learning about empathy in school or college. I was ashamed about this, but I have forgiven myself. I practice it for myself and others because it’s powerful to possess and apply. It makes life better for myself, others, and my surrounding environment.
Before we go further, I want to mention that compassion and empathy are closely related. Still, these are distinct concepts, not mutually exclusive. I see empathy as an emotional value, feeling or understanding another person’s emotions, and compassion as an actionable value that focuses on the desire to help, assist, or reduce suffering for another person. I use empathy to understand the emotions that are possibly being felt and why, to understand the vibe. I then use compassion to implement actions that will defuse or alleviate whatever the situation is. Applying empathy and compassion allows me to act kindly for myself and others.
Now that I’m not turning my eye blind to my wants and needs, and I can understand and communicate for myself and others what my expectations are and what my problems are, I can set boundaries or act within my value systems and be truthful with myself through my behavior and habits. Now that I’m also able to understand the needs, wants, and expectations of others, I’m able to use compassion to find common ground and resolve conflicts in a way that makes sense for all parties involved. I’m able to be perceived and act kindly!
My healing journey — which involves psychological therapy, reading, journaling, physical movement, meditation, and many other tools — has helped me identify, learn, relearn, and unlearn many concepts, values, and ideas. But I believe one of the main takeaways is that we are all so interconnected whether we like it or not, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. The “good” and the “bad” too. I was so naive and protected inside my bubble, people-pleasing and avoiding external conflict as much as I could, living a fake life, and lying to myself and others. Now that I’m not blind to nature, human nature, my own, and others, I have to admit that yeah, being healthy is fantastic, but having my eyes open opens up oneself to so much in this World — a very cruel World — which we, through action, must keep healing and making safe and kind for everyone — if this is what our values align with, of course. There’s so much work to be done. I hope this idea helps you, those around you, and your surroundings to be a kinder or safer place — which, in my humble opinion, makes us much more substantial, productive, efficient, and inspired.
Also, now that our eyes are open, we can identify individuals with little to no interest in applying these concepts and values when dealing with us. Show some self-compassion and self-respect, and act accordingly.
